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today I wanted to talk more about
relationships when is it and how is it that a relationship towards toxic we
have to go to the very beginning of the relationship most of the times a
relationship does not really turn toxic it is toxic in its inception in its
Genesis itself it’s just that the toxicity remains hidden when things are
rosy and pink and when the situations change and things turn a little adverse
then the toxicity surfaces and we feel as if the relationship has turned sour
or toxic it hasn’t how our relationships founded in the
first place tell me how does that happen so it’s usually you know a common
someone you see more often you know like if usually what happens is if you’re in
the same class so somebody you get familiar with you know you you see them
around a lot or they approach you first thing is somebody has to be in your
sensual field in the field of the senses and then why does one feel attracted to
that particular object because they fit a certain model that you like so you
know that your likes might more explicitly more explicitly how do most
relationships take place you have a certain need and you feel that the other
person can fulfill it it could be emotional physical sometimes even
financial right so what’s usually that need about doesn’t mean why does a man feel
attracted to a woman why does a woman go towards a man what’s the nature of the
need so they feel a certain lack maybe that the other person can help them with
a certain insecurity a certain lack a certain insecurity right so that’s how
the relationship begins in the first place you lack something within and to
make up for it you are going to the other person you are looking at the
other person primarily in a utilitarian way you want to use the other person if
you really want to understand things will have to be blunt right you want to
use the other person it’s not very different from exploitation it appears
like love but you just want to use the other person as something that would
plug a hole here or here or somewhere right yeah absolutely the woman for
example might have been conditioned by the body of the society to have somebody
walking by her side the man might again be driven by his
physical needs or peer pressure to demonstrate that he too carries a
partner or a consort mm-hmm so that’s how people feel attracted somebody’s
body is attractive somebody looks at superachiever somebody carries a lot of
money somebody’s quite famous and then you get
drawn towards that person right why because that’s something that you’d want
to add to yourself hmm can I have her body available to me that
will fulfill a certain need can I have her money available to me can I have his
his prestige or his power available to me
that would compensate for my lack of these things so that’sthat’s what is
happening now the need that is there somehow it happens that it never can get
fulfilled beat a man beat a woman beat any person all of us feel a certain
hollow within there is a void there’s an emptiness and incompletion that
constantly bugs us we feel it we feel it and it is for the sake of filling up
that Hollow that we work so much that we do much of what we do including striking
relationships so that’s how you get associated with someone but we said the
need cannot really be met by anybody so what would happen now I have brought
something home and that which I have brought home is not doing what I
expected it to do won’t I be annoyed the sentiment there is resentment there
isn’t and in many cases it can take the form of very obvious toxicity you even
get physically violent or there could be micro episodes of subtle violence
continuously you might probably be cultured or sophisticated enough to not
physically beat up the other but through your expressions through subtle hints
gestures so all through all those little things that we do throughout the day
with our partners because we know their buttons we know their buttons so we can
play around with things you know all the nonverbal communication
and all such stuff so we keep on beating up the other in subtle ways we keep on
hitting the other hurting the other why because we are hurt in the first place
that the other is not giving me what I really need that’s at the root of
toxicity a relationship that is founded on flawed principles in the first place
and if the relationship is flawed in the first place then you cannot avoid
toxicity later on toxicity is bound to surface so the common refrain that is
there and the poetic expression that says that relationships have changed
poets love to put it that way they say you know relationships have changed much
like the weather and then we in a very nostalgic way look back at the past and
say you know she used to be so great till 5 years ago and now he or she is no
more the same person and and and so much has changed the fact is nothing really
has changed it’s just become more clear it’s just more clear more apparent in
fact the thing has become more honest now thing has become more honest so we
need to first of all stop blaming fortune or circumstances it’s not that
the weather has changed it’s not that outside situations have made one or both
persons change into something else on the contrary we continue to remain
who we are we were ignorant people when the relationship was founded and we are
ignorant even right now so actually we have just not changed actually we have
just not changed the relationship has just not changed
maybe she’s your girlfriend of 20 years windage maybe the relationship took
place when both of you were 16 and maybe now you’re third
six and you keep breaking each other’s head it appears that in 20 years so much
has changed but the fact is that both these 36 years olds are still 16 or not
even 16 in the mental sense they have not changed because change in the
positive in the affirmative sense is about growing up you have not grown up
well so the old toxicity is just finding expression so it’s also maybe if I would
understand it I would understand it that if you’re not learning from life then
life kind of hits you harder and harder and harder yes yes life keeps bling
layers of your personality and beneath all these layers is hidden the toxic
core what life and time and experience do is that they keep on removing the
veneers hmm the layers that hide what lies within us and so things get exposed
of course life also keeps adding layers but then that’s a different thing so why
do people not leave such relationships once you see that it is a toxic
relationship or maybe they don’t see it but you can see the day in and day out
you’re you know you’re getting into the same violence same you know extortion
same embarrassment awkwardness and so why do people just not leave or would
you advise them to leave in the first place leave as and physically physically
isn’t it least be separate from each other so the sense of not staying
together thing together not being in the relationship not staying in the same
house or the same room that’s what you mean by splitting up right the thing is
sometimes a lot you do better when you are away from that person you see that
might be a temporary kind of measure and that measure might be needed sometimes
to temporarily stop seeing the other or stop staying with the living with other
but then that won’t help much the real solution to toxicity is
maturity this kind of separation is advisable only to those who do not have
the appetite for maturity if they say that we cannot have the real solution we
do not have it in us to implement the real solution just give us some kind of
you know a painkiller okay hmm we can’t have a surgery just give us some
energetic that we can keep on having continuously and somehow subside our
pain then maybe this would work for them right separate physically break up or go
for a divorce hmm but that’s not the real solution
that’s not the real solution the real solution is to see what is really going
on the real solution is to first of all heal oneself by acknowledging in an
honest way that one is not a victim at least not a victim of the other one is
just suffering due to his own mischief and ignorance the moment you stop
charging the other or holding the other responsible for your problems
much changes you have to see that you are responsible for the right you are in
and not only are you responsible the right or you are in you are probably to
some degree also responsible for the red the other reason and then not only do
you stop totally really find the other it is possible that you may even
develop some kind of a compassion towards the other otherwise blame and
vilification are so easy I do not I am in a toxic relationship usually
translates to the other fellow is toxic I’m in a toxic relationship means the
other fellow is toxic I do not advise people to separate usually not because I
am an advocate of marital continuity not because I am some kind of an anti
diverse activist or something not that I am in great awe of the traditional
institution of family and marriage for not for those reasons it is because I
see it as an act of escapism and cowardice to just drop the other person
and run away should be absolutely the last option and that last option should
be exercised after you have honestly tried everything else and it has failed
999 out of thousand times some thing would work out for you it’s not that
everything would be insufficient when absolutely nothing seems to be working
then fine leave the other person and even then the leaving or separation part
I feel must be temporary never strike someone permanently out of your life
nobody deserves this kind of apathy or hatred you can do that you can very well
say no no I don’t want to carry this in shape or that person forward anymore
with me do that but that would leave you a little smaller than what you could
have been the decision to chuck somebody out from your life would leave your
little poorer it would deprive you of a certain richness in life so it is not
merely the other that you are hurting by kicking him out or by yourself walking
out you are hurting yourself as well an obstinate person in the headache the
challenge when I say obstinate I mean absolutely toxic so an obstinate Lee
toxic person is a challenge but also an opportunity is he not now if you take up
that opportunity and really fight hard to win it then it leads to your own
betterment enrichment you become somebody bigger deeper more profound so
don’t try to quickly run away from someone that also does not mean that you
continue to be are violence or hardships or abuse no not at all not at all
obviously that is something that you have to take care of by whatever means the emphasis is on not quitting and when I say not quitting I do not
mean that the husband must not quit as husband and the wife must not quit as
the wife do do quit as a husband no issues but never quit as a person
don’t forget that you have been with this solo for two years or 20 years what
sir you spent a part of your life with this person and it is an opportunity
it’s a it’s a part of your basic humanity it’s a part of being human not
to dump the other when the other two is in distress you might say but the other
does not look in distress the other is in fact an exploiter a
violent person one who is doing all these things shouting shrieking biting
hitting scratching it’s surely not in a good mental state right see whether you
can be man enough or woman enough to really redeem that person hmm it is very
all right I said to change the name of the relationship you need not carry the
same names that you gave yourself at the beginning of the relationship in fact
you should give up those names as early as possible because it is those names
that are at the root of toxicity don’t carry those names drop those names but
don’t drop the person please so husband wife relationship
violent let’s say and so how do you stop being the wife suddenly or how do you
stop being the husband just if needed move out of the house no shoes if needed
out of the house see what tactical arrangement you can make for the kids
see whether you want to take the kids out with you but then for that you need
to have financial independence which I hope you have
I hope the relationship has not lulled you into a kind of an imaginary
comfort in which you decide not to own anything and depend on the income of the
other midnight is quiet if that is happening then the first thing in
gaining freedom from this toxicity is financial independence go find a job for
yourself go find a job for yourself if needed
quit that house but not that person not that person because you know permanently
blacklisting a person it’s almost like killing a part of yourself he’ll when
the patient comes to you it’s it probably is easier to declare him a
hopeless case and let him expire on the table but it requires somebody fantastic
to take up the challenge and cure that person like a lot of times why people
when I mean leave like you know when I mean you know it’s like leave the house
in that sense a lot of times people you know are worried about getting out of
that relationship like you know suppose one is financially independent and they
move out to another so I mean what I understand is self-love like first you
have to heal and only then can you heal now because otherwise if you’ve not you
know healed yourself then how do you expect to even help the other right see
let me tell you why the relationship is bad in the first place you probably enjoy dependency you
probably have no spiritual basis to the relationship now this dependency was a
very happy thing as long as you were being provided for by that person yeah
but now the same dependency keeps you arrested in the end districted in the
household hmm so now you don’t like it don’t like it
now you say Oh what do I do I’m so dependent how do I move out why don’t
you stay in the same breath that you were quietly and happily enjoying the
same dependence for the first five or ten years Yeah right so always be very
very sure of the solidity of the fundamentals even when everything seems
to be going right in a relationship keep checking have I become dependent
have I become exploitative have I started holding expectations has the
other started holding expectations is the other blocking my view of the larger
universe has the other become too central to my mind my thoughts has the
other started occupying my inner space to an extent that may be called
unhealthy these are the things that you should check for when there are no
troubling symptoms often when the symptoms appear it is already too late getting it relationship going bad is a
euphemism really and it does not really clarify what is going on relationship
going bad means the minds of the two people in the relationship
bad and if their minds are bad it’s not only this one particular mutual
relationship that would be bad all the relationships with all possible
conceivable objects in the universe would either be bad or waiting to show
up as bad so a bad relationship fundamentally indicates a bad mind and
what is a bad mind when I say a bad mind I’m not talking in the sense of morality
or ethics a bad mind is one that does not know itself a mind that has no self
knowledge is a bad mind a mind that is obsessed with the world and it’s
enthralling objects is a bad mind that’s the bad mind you should have some
clarity about what is really going on you should know your body you should
know your thoughts passions emotions you should have some some inclination
towards self inquiry if you do not have it then you will suffer relationships
just bringing out the ignorant within us so we blame relationships actually it is
ourselves that we have to blame I think oh sure he also said this once that you
know relation in relationships you find out who you are tell me who you are
everybody I mean Krishnamurti was fond of saying this but one cannot take that
sentence and enter into a relationship – no that’s mm-hmm
everybody is already in relationship you see if you are not formally or
physically related to a person aren’t you still related to that person’s idea
what might be chasing a girl and the girl is not responding so it appears
that there is no relationship yeah but the fact is that the boy is obsessed
with her and there exists a strong relationship maybe not with the body of
the world but with the idea of the girl so
Krishnamurthy is perfectly right when he says one knows himself only in
relationships but then that does not mean that you have to have an additional
relationship to know yourself you are already neck deep in relationships
everybody is hmm what does that mean being that deep in relationship the
inner sense that we have that I the ego thing it lives in such incompleteness
that it is always attached to somebody it always describes itself with respect
to somebody else for example I am a worker mm-hmm I’m somebody’s friend I’m
a rich man I belong to such religion so along with the I there exists something
else that helps define the eye let’s go ego is the I sense that cannot define
itself without the help of an external object science the external object the
ego starts feeling as fixated it has nothing to to really base itself on we
are always related we must know what we are doing why we are getting related why
why I must have this this or this what does the universe mean to me what does
this this piece of clothing mean to me I must really ask these questions without
these questions one is pushing himself into a lot of trouble another thing I
must add you’re talking about why people continue
to be in toxic relationships never forget that man is fundamentally
pleasure-seeking hmm the wise ones who knew a few things they would say that
the nature of the self is joy the nature of self is joy and what is joy joy is
pleasure or happiness that does not depend on anything else so the nature of
the true and pure self is joy enjoys freedom because joy implies no
dependence on anything I’m not happy for some reason so joy is happiness without
a reason therefore joy is happiness without a beginning without an end
therefore joy is happiness without a definition the nature of the ego is a
little removed from the nature of the pure self pure self is joy ego is
pleasure seeking so whatsoever the ego does it does for the sake of pleasure
hmm that’s what we mean when we say I want to be happy I want to be happy I
want to be happy so when someone says oh I am suffering so much in a toxic
relationship and I’m yet continuing to tolerate it then he is just stating only
half the story either ignorantly or deliberately the fact is if you are
tolerating a toxic relationship you are deriving some pleasure out of it the ego
cannot do anything without getting something from that thing so if a lady
comes to you and says I get beaten up and all the abusive things happen to me
and yet you know I I choose to remain in the household then she is not telling
you the full story the full story is she is still seeing some benefit in staying
put otherwise she would have just walked out long
so you must ask her what is it that you are tolerating all such abuse for what
is the return that is what is the return that you are getting she might not be
very willing to acknowledge because it is a little awkward
indeed shameful mmm-hmm but then that that payoff surely exists one has to
give up the greed for that payoff once you have gone beyond the greed to get
something in return for your humiliation then you find that you are free of your
humiliation nothing really happens to us without our consent don’t I say that
very often get rid of grade and that freedom from greed is spiritual
advancement otherwise how can you have freedom from greed freedom from greed is
not some kind of a bold decision coming from nowhere freedom from greed comes
only from deep clarity about the nature of the self once you know who you are
only then it becomes possible to drop greed once you drop greed you also drop
fear and humiliation and all the misbehavior that you tolerate can you if
can I say that if you drop grief you can save yourself from being exploited
obviously because you see it’s a trade-off it’s a trade-off you humiliate
me at the same time you offer me something and when I weigh the
humiliation against what I am getting I find what I am getting and it outweighs
the humiliation so I am prepared to take the humiliation now outwardly and to
others I might keep saying that I do not like what is going on
but the fact is it’s a happy trade-off so people don’t end relationships
because they’re because there does exist a trade-off which they still take to be
beneficial if you really want to add why councils such people you will have to
demonstrate to them that the payoff is not positive that the kind of abuse that
they are tolerating or the kind of loss of life they are bearing is far more
damaging and bigger than any perceived benefits that they might be getting so
that’s where you you know draw the line in a sense see the moment it becomes
clear to someone that in a particular situation he is losing then you don’t
have to tell him to what to do next just bring that clarity to him that here you
are getting so much but in the process of getting this much you are
compromising or sacrificing so much that’s all now the fellow will decide
for himself and act on his own and when in this case one is made to realize that
you know they take that you’re losing out way more than what you’re getting is
that is what beg do you is there a fee is like if they’re leaving out do you
leave the relationship or do you understand this heal yourself and then
come back and help the other it’s not a there is no absolute answer possible to
this right going to the basis of your question when you say the relationship
has exploitation in it what does exploitation mean my self-interest is
different from your self-interest therefore I can eat you up to maximize
my self-interest that is exploitation you correct
what is that the basis of exploitation the concept the feeling that I am
different from you my self-interest is separate separate from your
self-interest right now this is exploitation to cure exploitation if I recommend
walking out as the only way possible then what am I saying
I am defending my self-interest by walking out quitting you dumping you am
I then not still the same person who was previously paying the playing the game
of exploitation at the root of exploitation is the feeling of
separation division separation okay right I am me you are you I can exploit
you and be a bigger me that’s exploitation I walk out and why did I
walk out to take care of my personal piece am I still not the one who was
thinking previously in the language of division so this walking out then will
not be very beneficial therefore one has to take quitting or walking out just as
a temporary thing right freedom from exploitation is very incomplete without
compassion not only have you – you have to end your own exploitation you also
have to bring compassion to the other and these two must go hand in hand
obviously there might be some phase lag between these two one may come first the
other may come later there might even be a gap of many years between these two
but these two will exist together you cannot have just one of them you cannot
say that right to save my skin I broke out of the house like one breaks out of
a jail and then I never turn back to look at what is happening in the house
it does not happen this way it cannot happen this way if you break out of the
house just to take care of your own self-interest then wherever you go you
would find that you are still caught in the cycle of exploitation and suffering
if you really want to an exploitation in suffering then you have to take care of
yourself and also try to do as much good to the
other as possible it’s a full circle it’s not it’s a full circle you cannot
just take care of only yourself you see if I take care of just myself then how
am i different from the exploiter if he’s not following the same principle
he too is saying I am taking care of just myself and I say I – on to the
scared take care of myself so I’m walking out I will go settles in some
other place and be happy so then you become the exploit you become the
exploiter and now the exploiter has fully won he has totally converted you
it’s me one of him yeah now you belong to his Creed the way to get out of the
relationship would be to understand to not remain the person who entered the
relationship that’s the way to spiritually breakup hmm when you break
up in the material way you leave the house when you break up in the spiritual
way you leave who you are that’s a great breakup and in this breakup the other
person will not even know that you have broken up because externally will appear
just the same internally you are no more the same person break up I didn’t break
up with you I broke up with myself fine so so you cannot really charge me or
blame me part of breaking up Thank you

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