Next is a Bravo
scripted original series. I want to thank each
and every one of you for coming out today–
Simone, Stephanie. Annabelle, you came
all the way from Greenwich. And I want to thank Jill
for heroically swooping in at the last minute
to host my Sip n’ See. My mother-in-law Candace
was originally supposed to host at her penthouse, which is
much larger and not a walk-up, but she decided that
her back hurt too much. We’re just grateful
that she’s still alive to see her seventh grandchild,
Aw! Jill, you’ve truly become… my touchstone, – my rock.
– Thank you, Brooke. – [sobs]
– If you had told me a month ago that I’d be hosting
your Sip n’ See, I would’ve said,
“what the hell is a Sip n’ See?” But here we are,
sippin’ and seein’. Where is that little nugget
Langley anyway? Asleep. Okay, well,
enjoy the Sip n’ See. Okay. ♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪ ♪ I’m feeling fine,
I’m feeling fine ♪ Talk to me, broha.
Are you ready to officially become
a full-on Hercules employee? Oh, I know, I know,
I gotta roll over my 401K. No, no, no,
I’m talking about the executive orientation package. The usual starter order, ten custom suits, – five pairs of shoes.
– Oh, no. It’s part of the welcome package
for everyone, except assistants. Oh. Well, okay.
[laughs] Uh, since I have you, look,
let’s go over these proposed tax amendments
on exports to China. Let’s not
and say we did. Your only job right now
is becoming Herculean from the outside in. It’s 11:00 a.m. Not in China it ain’t.
Gan Bei.[clinking glasses] Whoo!
That’s what I’m talking about. Kira, remove this man’s shirt
and his pants. Candace, oh, is it your back?
I have Motrin. Uh, no, no, no, no, I never
accept strangers’ medication. I learned that
the hard way in Japan after I popped a pill
and woke up the prize in a fan dancing
K-keep taking pictures, please. And Simone needs
a refill. Absolutely, on it.
Okay. Well, I guess I should go
check on the baby nurse, and also the baby…
Langley. I’m going to say
what everybody’s thinking. Langley is a dog’s name. More baby-tinis anyone?
(all) Yes. Okay. In love. Balenciaga.
Gap kids. You ladies are fishies.
Okay. Jared is so
into anal right now. I never thought I’d say this,
but I miss blowjobs. Mm. my husband’s
suddenly interested inl’autre passagetoo. At least I get to hold
the remote during anal. Yeah. Last week we did it so much,
I watched all ofThe Help.Wait, you guys are taking it
in the chocolate starfish? You’re not? Hell to the no! There’s, like,
aGhostbustersign back there. Wait,
you’ve never done anal? Wow, I have a friend
at the Style section that would love
to do a story on you. Why am I the last to know
about all this hooker stuff that then becomes
wifely duties? Jill, don’t you want
your man to have you in every way possible? I’m pretty sure
he’s happy with the 1 1/2 ways
I’ve been offering. Mm. Okay, what are you hens
clucking about? Oh, nothing. Just anal sex. French third base? I’m very familiar.
[laughs] And now,
that endless stairwell. Good-bye, girls. [mouthing words]
Oh, my God. [quirky funk music] [siren blaring] [sound distorting] ♪ ♪ [car horn honking] Just got the good news. Rutherford
got into McAllister School. Gotta love
early sibling acceptance. I almost forgot today was
sibling notification day. I really hope Dottie
gets into Hazel’s school, then at least one of my twins
will be set. She’ll get in. Lynn’s kids started masturbating
with castanets in her interview, and she still got into
her big sister’s school. [phone ringing] Oh, it’s Chloe’s school.
Yes? She did? Oh, okay, good,
thank you. [phone ringing] Hello? Thank you!
We’re thrilled to have two children
at Nightingale. [phone ringing] Oh, my phone. Ah. It’s Hazel’s School. Hello?
Yes, this is she. Oh.
Um, okay. Thanks for letting me know. Do you guys want topped-off
or any more drinks or it’s okay? Oh, no! It’s–it’s fine. Sweetie! Oh! Oh. [ringtone] Talk to me! “Talk to me?” Okay,
we’ll deal with that later. Dottie did not
get into Hazel’s school. What? No way. Wait, am I on speaker?
Is that Lex? Do you guys need
some privacy? Because that, like,
really blows. No, I should
get back to the party. [ringtone] Hey. Aren’t you hosting that
slip and slide thing right now? It’s a Sip n’ See, and yes,
that’s why I’m calling. I’m beyond miz. Ugh, I begged you
not to do this. I didn’t have a choice.
Brooke was literally weeping into the phone
when Candace bailed on hosting. I was trying to be polite.
I didn’t think she’d accept. So what’s so horrible?
Is she lobbing passive aggressive grenades
about your fridge again? No, she’s been
bizarro warm ever since I delivered
her baby. But she just smothered me
with pity hugs when I told her that Dottie
didn’t get into Hazel’s School. What?
I’m gonna egg that place. Thanks, but my point is that
Brooke is a master manipulator. She’s not a real friend. I mean, it’s like 7th grade
all over again, when Shawna Goldstone decided
we were BFFs so she could copy my homework and steal
frozen Kit Kats from my house. Jill, you have a real BFF who
only copied your homework once, that time I tried to do
my own taxes. It was so much easier
when Brooke treated me like gum on her shoe. I mean, now I actually care
what she thinks of me. Why? Honey, please don’t go
off the deep end about this. Just get through the party,
keep your sense of humor, and put the cake down.
Okay? I gotta go. Love you. How did she know
I was eating cake? Thank you, Akira. And now… for the final step in
your Herculean makeover, Melody, Andy.
Andy, Melody. [door opening]
– Betty, people are asking– Brooke,
there you are. Betty had to use the bathroom.
I said I’d cover. Oh, well, everyone’s dying
to see baby Langley. Look at that face! You mean that acne.
It’s like I’m looking at Bill Gates’ 9th grade
yearbook photo. I wish I could just
store her away and pick her up in five months,
like my winter furs. Just get her away from me. You can let people see her,
but be quick about it. Here, put this hat
on her. There we go,
just like that. Okay, don’t want to smother
your newborn, so– Oh, no, no, no, you’re fine.
A little lower. Okay, I just don’t want her
to suffocate. It’s okay, much better. Okay.
Who wants to meet baby Langley? (all)
Aw! Well, thanks for coming.
Whoo! I guess all I have left to do
is clean up this war zone. [sobs] I’m sorry.
I’m thinking about Langley. Her hair is coming in brown. No offense. Listen,
a lot of women go through post partum
depression, even celebrities. Actually,
especially celebrities. And me. I was like a fountain
soda machine of tears and snot after the twins,
and then I got help. Maybe this will
cheer you up. Candace basically announced
to the whole party that she’s done anal. Who hasn’t? Me! I’ve had poos
that make me weep. Lex and I don’t even use
the other hole. Not that we’ve had sex
since the baby. But this is Candace
we’re talking about. By the way, did she seem
a little out of it to you? Please.
She should win a daytime Emmy
for that “sore back, I’m suddenly old and crippled”
routine. The woman is
a raging narcissist. I can spot ’em a mile away. She just couldn’t stand to have
a day that was all about me. And Langley. Right. Candace is fine. Wow, Barbara Walters really
isn’t handling retirement well. [phone ringing] Mrs. Von Weber. It’s me,
Jill’s friend Vanessa. We met at the wedding. And Miles’ Bris. And all of their
birthday parties. – Victoria!
– No. What are you doing here
dressed like a doctor? Oh, it’s Vanessa,
and I am a doctor. Oh. Oh, this says
you’re a vagrant ODing on what looks
like three Vicodin and enough alcohol
to sterilize a subway car. What happened? I injured my back
whilst making love… with my lover. That’s right,
I’m in love, with a lover. – Um–
– And we make love. Okay, and is that where
the painkillers came in? Yes, and I may have had
too many spirits at Jill’s apartment,
but I had to drink, or I’d think of my grandchildren
sharing a room and I’d get emotional. I have to go. Oh, there’s no way
you can stand with that much gin
in your blood. Also for an OD, we can’t release
you without a psych consult, so sleep this off
while you wait for a– Ooh. Okay, that’s good. – Hi, guys.
– Hey. You hangin’ in there? Yeah, there may not be a place
for Dottie in kindergarten, but there’s a place for her
in heaven. My daughter’s alive. She just didn’t
get into Hazel’s school. It’s not the end
of the world, guys. That’s the spirit. (Stephanie) It is just so sad.
(Simone) It’s so sad. That woman you sent. Oh, she give you the, uh,
full treatment there? It’s not funny and it can’t
ever happen again ever. How am I supposed to explain
this to Jill? This is all part
of the good life, bro. You’ll get used to it. Still no psych resident? Just sitting here
like an immigrant on ObamaCare. Valerie, forgot how times have
changed and your kind can marry. Who’s the lucky lady? Not gay, not married. I’ve just been wearing
this here lately because drunk dudes
facing their own mortality find me irresistible.
It’s just easier if I’m married. I never found anything easier
when I was married. Wait, didn’t your husband die
in a tragic accident? Yes.
You know, he wanted to go swimming
with great white sharks and got eaten
by one of them. And don’t you dare tell
Jill this, but every year, on our anniversary,
I watchJaws,and I laugh my ass off. [both laughing]
– Okay. [phone ringing] Excuse me just a minute,
I have to take this. Dr. Wrigley. Hey, what’s the haps?
You’re four minutes late. Yes, there’s been a delay,
but I can be there momentarily. Oh. Oh, code.
Celebrity patient? Copy that. Was it an actress? Reality star? Podcast celebrity? – I’m not saying.
– Come on, you know everything
on that menu. You’re just torturing me. [text alert] Okay, I just got another batch
of emoji hearts from Brooke. You realize you don’t
have to instantly respond to all of her texts
and emojis, right? [text alert] Now she’s putting in a good word
at Shipley’s School and sending us Rutherford’s
interview coach. It’s like she’s suddenly
so into me. Looks like the feeling
is mutual. [text alert] Okay, now she just sent
frowny faces, a gun,
and a soft serve sh** swirl. Did I mention she’s total
post-partum-palooza? Jill, I’m about
to confiscate that. Okay, okay, sorry, so rude.
[exhales] Have lunch with your phone,
babe, I could go. She just has this power
over me. She’s Lucifer
in white jeggings. Stop feeding the beast. You’re right.
Please forgive. For the rest of the day,
I will be 100% Brooke free. On my nut sack. [text alerts] Thank God you could
meet me. You’re the only person I can
talk to about this stuff. I still just feel so distant
from Langley. Have you ever considered
holding her? Jill, you’re so crunchy. Even breast feeding’s
atrocious this time around. It’s physically painful. Okay, I’m the only one
that’s gonna tell you this, but if the nursing’s
making you miserable, ditch it. I can’t.
I need Langley to be smart, especially
with that face. I didn’t breastfeed my kids
and they’re smart. God, Jill, I’ve been
so self involved, I completely forgot
all about your issues. Poor Dottie. And I’m worried
about your sex life. Have you given
any more thought to popping your
back door cherry? I don’t know if Andy
would go for it. You’ve had three kids,
no C-sections. Can either of you
even feel sex anymore? Yes, Brooke.
We’re doing okay. My point is, Andy will
want to try anal. And if he doesn’t, then
you’ve got other problems. Okay, I can’t believe
I’m asking this, but any advice
for a first timer? Just one word. Since when do you sleep
in pajamas? Oh, I just felt like it. Well, I have a surprise
for you. Not sure I can handle
a surprise tonight, honey. Ta-da! I’m offering you
my ass virginity. Oh.
Um… No, thank you. “No, thank you”?
I heard it’s fun. Babe, uh, uh… No means no.
[chuckles] “No means no”? [sighs] Like, tonight,
or no means no forever? Just not feeling
very well. Sorry. It’s fine. I had a rough day
at the office. At last, Sleeping Beauty
awakens. I said egg whites. Oh, I’m not room service. You’re still at the hospital.
We tried to wake you for your psych eval twice,
but we all thought it was safer for everyone
if you slept it off. So let’s just do this,
you and I. Shall we? [groans] How often do you think
about your own death? Daily. You think about your own death
on a daily basis? Oh, I’m constantly
planning my funeral. It’s gonna be at the St. Regis,
luncheon immediately following. And take this down, if anybody
serves those frozen mini quiches I’m gonna rise up
out of my coffin and– Mrs. Von Weber, we’re not
party planning. This is an evaluation
for suicide risk. But that’s obviously
not your problem. Darling, it’s just
that wedding ring. Plenty of eligible
concussed men must come through that door
every day. I just hate to see you
cut yourself off from true love. [laughs]
I’m almost 40. I think I’ve aged out
of the true love fantasy. I’m almost 50
and I found it. The more of a catch you are,
the longer it takes to be caught,
Veronica. I’m sorry, is it Veronica
or Veronique? Veronique. I thought so. What’s going on with you? First, you turn down
my rear window, then you hide out in the closet
rearranging your ties. Babe… It’s not you, it’s me. [exhales sharply] [sighs] What happened
to your pubes? Were you standing in front
of the microwave for too long? I was pressured into a back,
sack, and crack wax at work. Too embarrassed to even look
at my own schwantz, let alone show you. What? Yeah. Yeah, everybody at Hercules
gets them. Picture that for a second. Do I have to? It’s supposed to make it look
bigger, but I don’t know. What do you think? I think you need
to exfoliate. [text alert] Oh, my God,
Brooke again. “We need to talk”? I know what’s coming.
She’s dumping me. I must have pissed her off
somehow. I’m terrified but excited
at the same time. If you want to dial back
the friendship, why don’t you
just tell her? You mean be honest with Brooke
about how I feel? Are you trying to get me killed,
Andy? Christ! For the record,
she’s the reason I even offered you
French third base. Who calls it that? No one you know. So, I’ve been doing
a lot of thinking. Langley has a hard road
ahead of her, with her face and hair, and I have a bad feeling
about her teeth. She needs someone to offer her
extra guidance and support, someone who understands
what it’s like to be imperfect. Okay.
And? And you never make me feel bad,
and you were so helpful during my little bout
with post partum. Thank God that’s over.
[laughs] Anyway, I’m hoping that
you’ll be Langley’s godmother even though technically,
you believe in the wrong god. Of course.
I’m legitimately honored. You’re not just family anymore,
you’re one of my friends. Also, I have good news. I ran it by the committee,
and you are going to vice-chair
my Nacho Gala. I’m sorry, what? New Yorkers Against
Childhood Obesity, the charity that I founded. Yeah, I–thank you,
but– Welcome to the head table. Oh.
Oh. [sobs quietly] [sobs loudly] – I don’t know what to do!
– Totally normal. It’s waves.
It comes in waves. – Oh!
– It’s okay. Ready?
Are we doing this? I kind of feel like
you’re cheating on my vag with my poop chute.
Can we have a safe word? Yeah.
Let’s just– – Mmm, let’s just try to relax.
– Okay. Okay, the safe word
is “thermos.” – Okay. Fine.
– Okay. [sighs]
I’m not even touching you yet. Sorry, sorry. Okay, here we go,
for real this time. [breathing sharply]
Okay. Ow. Ow.
For moreOdd Mom Out,
go to BravoTV.com. (woman)
Left, right, left, right,