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Million Dollars, But… Bleed Out & Sneeze Teleport | Rooster Teeth


-I’m actually a little bit scared for this one, Gav. -Why? -Cause we have Michael here… -What? -Come on! You have a devious mind. -It’s not that bad.
-You’re gonna make me, like, murder something. -I’m not gonna make you murder anything! -Alright, Michael since you’re our special guest…would you like to start? -Oh, you want me to start?
-Go for it. -No, I’ll be gentle. This is a good one; you don’t have to eat anything, …no murder, no one’s gonna die.
-Okay. -Million dollars, but…
-Lotta money. -But,every time you fart, you need to stop …waft it into your own face, and smell it. …for, like, 4 seconds. -No matter what you’re doing.
-Visibly?! -Visibly, yeah. -You’re at the bank, there’s people behind you… -You’re like, “sorry guys, hold on…oh [sniff], yeah.” -Not even like that like [fart] “Oh, yeah yeah.” -Can you not control when you fart?
-I mean, you can hold it. -Like, it’s like a normal fart, you know. You can hold it if you want -You’re like “oh, I gotta sniff it, I gotta sniff it if I fart… …I don’t want to but I have to sniff it…this is like, my father’s funeral” -You know, and you’re just standing up there. -You’re like, you’re giving the eulogy and you’re like “I gotta fart so bad, oh my god.” -Like for instance, what if you’re asleep? -What happens then?
-Ohhh, I think… -Is…Is it just in your dream?
-Cause you fart all the time in your sleep. -Yeah, I don’t know. -I guess you just wake up in the middle of the night. -Your fart wakes you up. So that’s, that’s another thing. -That’d be brutal.
-It could ruin your sleep schedule. -Alright, million bucks, every time you fart you gotta smell it for 4 seconds dramatically… -I’ll take it. I’ll absolutely take that. -I don’t know, I value being able to fart sometimes, like, discreetly. -I’d do it.
-I don’t wanna do it, but it’s a million bucks. How can I turn down a million bucks? -I like that you almost didn’t do it not because of the embarrassment, -but just because you like the value of farting and not anyone knowing. -It’s really important to me, Michael. It’s really important.
-Did you look around and going like… -“I did it, and no one knows. Can’t put a price on that.” [Laughing] -Alright, you get a million dollars. -Lotta money. -But every time you cut yourself, all of your blood comes out. -You die?!
-You don’t die, you basically in one second regenerate all the blood you lost. -But pretty much every time you nick the skin and bleed… -…one and a half gallons of blood comes out. [laughs] -So like, you’d just randomly be like, typing at your desk, get a nose bleed, it’s just like. [Exploding noises] -“Ohhh my god.” -There’ll be news reports like “If you want to do anything to help out the situation, you can go down to your local blood center and donate blo- -…oh no wait, you know what, Michael’s here. Never mind. We’re good. We’re good.” -We got sharp stuff. -It, like, if I cut my hand for instance… -and I get a gash in it, then all my blood goes out through the gash. -But if I get, like, a paper cut, a tiny little paper cut -Is it super high pressure?
-Yeah.
-Like, do I have to wait it out? -Yeah, it’d be like a compression hose; sprays everywhere.
[squirting noises] -Do you ever get that thing where you’ve taken too many dumps in a day?
-Go ahead… -And, sort of, on like say your 4th dump -And you wipe and there’s like a little bit of blood because your anus is just getting raw.
-Yeah. -It’ll just be like
[squirting noises]
-Like, plundering the toilet with blood. -Overflowing with blood. -Dude, shaving would be, like, the most precise operation of my day. -If you got the tiniest little nick…
-Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck -You’d have to repaint the bathroom. -I’m not gonna do it. I can’t do it. I can’t predict when I’m gonna get cut. -Yeah.
-It’d ruin too much stuff! -Yeah, I can’t do it either.
-I would do it. -Here’s mine for this week. -You get a million dollars,
-Lotta money. -Do whatever you want to with it, spend it how you like… -But, -For the rest of your life, any time you sneeze, you teleport somewhere in the world. [laughing]
-Just one random place. -Just anywhere?
-Just anywhere. -..what if you like, you sneeze and you end up somewhere awesome. -You know, like you’re in Paris. And you’re like, “Oh my god! This is great!” -You sneeze again and you wind up in the fucking Amazon somewhere, and you’re just running around -Tickling your nose with leaves, trying to sneeze. -Get me out! Take me back home! -Could be anything, you could be like, talking to a girl. -And you’ve been working this girl for a long time, and she’s finally getting into talking to you… -And you sneeze: BAM.
-So not only do you ditch out, -You cover her in spray as well. -So she’s lonely and wet. -What if you sneezed your way onto a different date, with a different girl? -Like, just a woman in Italy who’s just eating on her own. -And she just goes with it? She’s like, “screw it!” -She’s like “I was eating alone, but..”
-“I had no plans.”
-“Thanks for joining me!” -You could use that to your advantage. You already get a million dollars, right? -You invest. You get the equipment, you get a crew, you rob a bank. -You get all the shit, you’re like, “I’m outta here!” [sneeze] -You just leave. -You’re just gone! -Can you sneeze right outta there? -Then the cops show up and it’s an empty vault, and they’re like, “who was it?” “It musta been gesundheit!” [laughing] -I would probably take that honestly, because I would probably wanna use it sometimes. -I would not. It’s too unpredictable. -It’d be a crimp in your lifestyle.
-Yeah. -It would be useful, sometimes, but probably very inconvenient most times. -If you liked this week’s episode of Million Dollars, But: be sure to check out last week’s episode. -And, don’t forget to check out the Million Dollars, But T-Shirt, available in the Roosterteeth Store! -Or, give Roosterteeth a subscribe, and you can see Gavin do…whatever he’s doing. What are you doing? -Nothing. -Just bein’ Gavin.

100 thoughts on “Million Dollars, But… Bleed Out & Sneeze Teleport | Rooster Teeth

  1. I wouldn't take scenario 2 simply because I hurt myself too often to deal with all that blood. I accidentally cut myself like five times last week. I'm not even kidding.

  2. Why did I have to drink something when I saw the toilet part when I knew what was going to happen?… WHY?!

  3. Wait, what if you go and rob the bank… But then, when you sneeze, you just teleport like, 2 feet away from where you were?

  4. For Gavin's scenario could you survive getting shot? Because you get shot and all your blood forces the bullet out.

  5. My problem with these scenarios is that it's only a million for terrible things for the rest of your life. Maybe a billion for some of these scenarios. I feel very strongly that there needs to be a time limit on these things 3 to 5 years.

  6. He said a woman in Italy and my brain just went THE WOMAN FROM ITALY HAS NO MERCY and I face palmed myself for being so obsessed

  7. I sneez a lot and in the spring and summer in 1 second i would have gone around the word 1 time

  8. Imagine if women were on their period if they got a million dollers, frikin room is flooded in blood 😂😂😂😂😂

  9. what! sneeze and teleport to random location. what about a minefield or the surface of the sun. or at the top of the atmosphere of earth

  10. I'd take the second one, if its blood out and blood in quickly, thats fine

    Wouldn't do one… three is dabatble

  11. The problem for most with using the sneeze to rob a bank is being able to sneeze on command, but I sneeze every time I eat chocolate so I can actually do that!

  12. See, I have the advantage that I can sneeze on command, and almost always leave with the house with a mini-travel pack that had an umbrella and a water bottle, and sometimes a snack bar, so, basically… I just write my cell number down on, like, business cards, and be like, "Wanna see a magic trick? I can myself… Disappear."

  13. how does the whole bleeding out one operate with menstruating? Is just like once a month all of a sudden my pants are filled with blood and i completely ruin my pants, underwear and where ever i'm sitting? Or is it like a constant waterfall and i have to sit in a bath for a week? or is it unaffected?

  14. So every night no matter what I always sneeze before I fall asleep so i’d be in bed about to fall asleep bam I’m somewhere random in the world maybe even in antartica sleep would be stressful

  15. I think I'd say yes to the blood one but I'd regret it instantly in summer because my hey fever causes spontaneous nosebleeds even when I'm sleeping I sometimes wake up and my face and pillow are drenched in blood

  16. I'd probably do the blood one, because I could use it in times of danger. Like if I'm dangling from a cliff and I cut my feet on a rock, I'll be launched up, or I'll cut my hand with a knife if I get into a fight so I coud do a bloody Hidouken!

  17. I know this is just a detail, but you said the guy sneeze and go to the Amazon and a Lion appears, but there's no lions in Amazon (tiny detail but I'm Brazilian and these mistakes bother me a little) No offenses, love the show, always makes me laugh!

  18. One way to stop sneezes, just say "watermelon" or lick the roof of the inside of your mouth until the feeling disappears. That way you don't teleport to a random place when you don't want to.

  19. I almost always double sneeze, so my teleportations would be interesting. I'd get a brief flash of one place before ending up in yet another place.

  20. I would have an enormous problem with the sneeze thing because I can not sneeze once. I have to sneeze at least three times. So in one sneeze trip I would essentially travel around the world in under a minute.

  21. My question is, if you get cut, bleed out, and the next day you accidentally open the wound, would blood sprey out, or would that only aply to new cuts?

  22. I would be in big trouble if I got the sneeze one lmao, I sneeze repeatively a lot, so who knows where I could be, and another possibility, you could end up at the bottom of the ocean

  23. Wait! For the Scenario 3: Tissues and Teleportation. What if when you sneeze and it stops mid/way or your about to and you somehow stop it. Would you still teleport anyway?

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