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How to Heal Your Emotional Trauma & Past Wounds | Healing Workshop 💖


TL;DR: The stories we tell ourselves define and limit us, but we have the power to change that story. First, you have to become aware of the stories
you’re telling yourself in your mind. Then there’s some work to do. Today I’m sharing how to heal from your past wounds, emotional baggage, and limiting mindsets. Essentially: how to take back control of your story, write your new ending,
and transform your life for the better. If you want to know all the steps, keep watching. Hi, my loves. Welcome back to Lavendaire. So good to see you. Today we’re talking all about healing your past wounds. This is a workshop that I offered as a bonus in my Create Your Dream Life course
that I came out with last year. So if you took that course, this is that workshop with a little bit of an update/tweak. Before I get into it, I just have to say that I am not an expert at any of this. I did not study psychology or whatever. I’m just a person that read a lot of
self help books, spiritual books, and I went through my own journey of healing from different wounds in the past. And these steps that I’m sharing are just things that have helped me in my journey
working through my issues. And it really has helped me heal and I’ve healed so much in the past eight years or so. The first thing I want to shine light on is
the truth that nobody is perfect. Nobody lives a perfect life. Everybody has issues, everybody has problems. And I’ve grown to believe that you’re meant
to have problems in life. You’re meant to struggle, because only through struggling through the obstacles and challenges and the really tough parts of life, do you actually grow and learn something, become a better, stronger version of yourself. So I do believe that life is not meant to be perfect. We’re meant to struggle, but we’re also meant
to enjoy this experience of life. We’re meant to see our struggles from
a positive point of view. And that is where I’m coming at you
with this workshop today. Here’s a quote for you to think about: “The wound is where the light enters you.” When I first heard that quote, I was like, “Wow, that is so beautiful and so profound,” and it’s something that you will understand more once you’ve experienced it. Once you’ve experienced some sort of healing, the wound is where the light enters you. Out of the darkness comes light. Out of the challenges – If you think of soil, it’s dark, it’s damp, and out of that is where the most beautiful things grow, you know, flowers grow, trees grow, plants grow, and that is how the world kind of works. There’s this balance of: you need both the dark
to have the light, because you need to have something to compare it to. There’s a juxtaposition of it. If everything was light, that would just be normal. If everything was perfect,
that would be your new normal. And you really do need to experience the dark in order to appreciate the light. Another thing I want to bring up is to not judge people for their struggles or challenges, to not say, “Oh, you shouldn’t be complaining about
your struggles or your traumas because they’re not as bad as these other traumas.” Yes, there’s a range of traumas and wounds out there, but we are not here to judge whose is better,
whose is worse, because everybody has a different pain scale,
a different pain tolerance. You just need to think of your own scale. It’s all relative because how bad your pain feels depends on all of your life experience
leading up to this point. So if you’ve had really mild privileged experiences, then something like getting fired or a breakup
might really hurt you because that’s the worst pain you felt up until this point. And if you’ve had like a lot of tough
circumstances in life, if you’ve gone through more trauma, more things, then maybe that same exact event
wouldn’t impact you as greatly. So that is to say: Don’t judge people for
their pain or their problems. And the reason why this relative pain concept
is important is because when we are young, when we are children, we don’t have that much life experience
leading up to that point. So anything that we experience, all the pain we experience in our
childhood really hurts us. We really hold it, which is why a lot of psychological
issues or personality traits stem from the things that happened to us
when we were kids: things that we’ve held, stories that
we’ve started telling ourselves from things that happened back then. So that is why it’s important to go all the way back to your earliest childhood experiences to start
to become aware of your story. All right, so let’s move on to how to heal. First comes awareness and understanding, then compassion and forgiveness. Finally, learning and transformation. By the way, as I go through these six parts, I also made a workbook that you can
download at the link below for you to fill out your answers
and take notes along with me. So the first step to healing is awareness. This one is huge because not a lot of
people are even aware of the emotional baggage that they need to heal. So ask yourself: “What childhood stories
or traumas stick out in my memory?” And they might not seem like significant memories, but the truth is: If you remember it, it’s significant. So jot down all of the events and stories that come to your mind when I ask you this question. For me, one of the big pains of my childhood
was feeling unloved and unimportant. I felt like my parents didn’t care about me. They kind of swept me off to the side. My mom was really busy working all the time. She was a single mom. My dad was busy working. He would fly back from China, back and forth. So I didn’t really spend that much time with him. But at a certain point in elementary school, he left on a business trip and never came back,
stopped calling. And there was no communication or explanation. I felt abandoned. I felt like he didn’t care about us anymore
and ultimately it left a deep scar. So with this first step, you really have to be honest
and vulnerable with yourself. Give yourself some time, you know. It might start flowing out some more after you get started or just give it some space. But this step is really key to starting the
whole healing process. The second part is understanding. So now that that event is in the past and you’ve had some space, some distance from it, how can you look at this situation from a more logical, unbiased point of view? And this is where you start to discover the new perspectives that you can look at your situation, because it’s likely that after going through
a traumatic experience, you thought of that experience in one way, in the same way your whole life up until now. And it’s only when you start to see the new perspectives that you start to realize,
“Oh, maybe what I thought wasn’t true. Maybe it was just all in my mind.” Consider any assumptions that you might have
been making this whole time: What was true, what do you know is true, and what else were just opinions
or just assumptions that you’ve had. So considering the realities of that time, my dad came to the US for opportunity,
met my mom, got married, had me, and then he was going back and forth between
China and US for business. And at that time, you know,
people were coming to the US because they thought there was more opportunity here, but then China started blowing up and becoming more economically prosperous. So that’s why my dad went back over there
and he just stayed there. And there was a point in the conversation of him wanting us to move to China and live there. But my mom’s whole family is here. She’s really wants to be in the US. I wanted to stay in America. I think going to school in the US was
a better choice for us. And so that’s one example of another perspective
of why that happened. Also, Asian parents are horrible at communication. They think kids don’t understand anything, so they don’t say anything to the kids. Both of my parents are just really bad at
communicating in general, so I can see how nothing was communicated, nothing was communicated to the kids and people just grew apart. And it’s not because he didn’t care about us per se, but there were a lot of other factors
happening at the same time. Hopefully this exercise will help you understand
your situation more clearly, be able to see new perspectives and to see all the possibilities of
what could have been true, rather than just your one point of view
or your one assumption. The next part is compassion. So let’s start with self compassion. You have to be compassionate to yourself. What would you say to your younger self
going through that thing? If you were to go back and look at your younger self with love and compassion, what would you say to her? Would you give her a hug? Of course you would give her a hug. You would tell her that she’s beautiful, she’s worthy, she can make it through this, no matter how hard it feels at that moment. Being able to see your younger self with love is a huge part in healing that inner child within. We all have an inner child within us
that wants to be loved, that wants to feel important and worthy. And so what would you say to that person? What would you say to that younger version of yourself? That exercise in itself is so powerful for healing, to be able to look at yourself with love and compassion. The next part of this compassion part is having compassion for all others
involved in your story. I don’t know how many people are involved, but having compassion for each human being involved. This might be really hard for some of you because depending on your story, depending on how bad the trauma is, it might feel impossible to have
compassion for this person. It just might not be doable. And that’s okay, because maybe you just
aren’t ready right now, and maybe you’ll be ready a few years down the line. It’s a process, guys. So having compassion for the other people in your story is learning to put yourself in their shoes
and asking yourself: “Why did they do what they did?” And maybe trying to empathize with them. Maybe they were going through a tough time because hurt people hurt people, right? There’s a term for a generational wounding, like generations of people hurting each other, and hurting each other in this negative cycle. So you can start to empathize and then see if you have it in your heart
to find love for that person. An example that I saw recently is: I don’t know if you guys watch Queer Eye, but there’s one episode with the guy in the wheelchair. He’s so inspiring. Anyway, this guy was shot and he was able to confront the guy
that shot him, six years later, after he’s been paralyzed from the waist down. And the guy that was paralyzed spent years wondering, “Why did this guy shoot me? I don’t know if I had any animosity with him. Why? Why did this happen to me?” And it’s really frustrating to not know. So when he was finally able to confront the guy
who shot him and get some clarity, he realized that that guy shot him because he was afraid of getting shot himself, because they were just in this situation
where a lot of people had guns, and the guy just shot him out of self-defense just because he didn’t want to get shot. And so hearing that, he didn’t even need an apology. No one apologized to each other. The guy in the wheelchair ended up
saying like, “You know what? I would’ve done the same thing if I was in your position. I understand and thank you. Thank you for what you did to me.” And that really showed how if you
were to able to empathize and put yourself in another person’s shoes, you might be able to understand
why they did what they did, and you might not be so frustrated or hurt over it. The next part is huge and that is forgiveness. Forgiveness, let me put it in like big words here. Forgiveness is so important and that is something that I had to
work on in my twenties, just learning to forgive my dad, learning to forgive anyone who has hurt me in the past, because I learned that forgiving others for hurting you is learning to forgive yourself. It’s learning to release the burden that
you’ve put on yourself all of these years, because when you are holding a grudge or when you feel pain over something,
that weighs on you and it’s hurting you more than it’s hurting
the person that did it to you, you know. Those people have probably moved on with their lives and if you’re still carrying that pain with you, that is not helping anybody. Learning to forgive is a part of self love because if you love yourself, you don’t want to hurt
over the situation any longer. So simply learn to let it go. And that is through forgiveness. That being said, forgiveness is also a process and it is not always easy, but the fact of the matter is:
whatever hurts you is in the past. You are living now in the present moment. So anything in your past, if it’s not serving you, if it’s not helping you, it’s okay to drop it and let it go. Oprah has a quote: “Forgiveness is letting go of the hope
that the past will be any different,” because the past is not going to be different. It’s going to be the same. What you can change though,
is your perspective on the past, how you respond to your past. Are you going to keep letting it hold you down or are you going to learn to let go and forgive? Find it in your heart, some love, some positivity, some way to forgive others who have hurt you, and then just move on with your life. Trust me, after learning to forgive, you will feel so free in life: no grudges, nothing holding you down,
nothing holding you back. You can be your best self. All right, so the next part is learning. This is where we take everything that we just did, the awareness, the understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and then we start to see how all of this was put into our lives to help us learn a lesson. Maybe it’s many lessons. What has this experience or these
experiences taught you? What have you learned? What have you gained? How are you stronger and better because of this? We are strong, not despite our challenges and our pain, but because of our challenges and our pain. That is the key to life and so that’s why it doesn’t make sense for you to live life avoiding challenges, avoiding pain,
although most of us do it. Most of us love to stay in our comfort zones. But you guys know, if you’ve been watching
Lavendaire for long enough, growth happens outside of your comfort zone. And pain is uncomfortable. It is the worst of uncomfort,
if there were some sort of scale. And the more painful or more uncomfortable
an experience is, the more it has the power to change you. And I didn’t say the “power to improve you” because that decision is left on you. You can choose to let a really painful experience
change you for the worst, make you a sad, depressed, really angry person. Or you can choose to let it transform you into your stronger, wiser, more positive self,
your highest self basically, because everything in life is here for us. It’s happening for us, not to us. Does that make sense? It’s simply a shift in perspective. Rather than complaining about all
the problems that you have, understand that your problems are here for you, to help you, to make you better. This is the part of your healing where
you’re gaining all of these lessons, so don’t let these lessons go to waste. Otherwise if you don’t learn these lessons, you repeat the same problems. You repeat the same mistakes over and over again. And this is why some people relive their traumas, because psychologically that’s what
they’ve been through. It was so painful and yet that’s what
they’re comfortable with. That’s what they know. And so they go from abusive relationship
to abusive relationship, and obviously there’s more reasons
and there’s more to it. But yeah, don’t get yourself in that position. Really be aware and learn from your pain. This is also around the point in your journey where you can start to have gratitude for your pain. So you start to feel grateful for
what you’ve been through because it’s shaped you into a better,
stronger version of yourself. Gratitude is really a big part of
this whole healing process. But I really think it happens each step along the way. But just putting it out there,
because I don’t think I mentioned it yet. Finally we’ve made it to the last part,
which is the transformation. First, let’s talk about rewriting your story
through the eyes of love. So this was my second podcast episode ever
where I talked about this topic. It’s so important that I still like to bring it up because this is the point in your journey where you are to look at your story
from a perspective of love, from a more holistic perspective, rather than the narrow-minded view that
you might’ve had in the past. Rewrite your story. Write it in a way that serves you
and helps you in your life. Ask yourself the question,
“Where is the love in my story?” In my example, I can start to accept my parents
as imperfect people, have compassion for their mistakes, understand that everyone makes mistakes
and not hold that against them. I can see that in the past, I judged my parents for not being good parents, for not being the perfect family that I would watch on TV. And now I can see that they were doing the best that they could at that time with their resources. I can also see that there was a lot of love in my life that I wasn’t focusing on back then, because I was focused on both of
my parents not being around. My dad left us in China. My mom was always working. But my mom would always drop us off
at my grandma’s house where I had a lot of cousins, a lot of aunts
and uncles always come in and out, and that was love. And I didn’t realize that having a big family is something that I took for granted when I was younger, because I thought that everyone had a big family. I thought that everyone had over 20 cousins
and 20 aunts and uncles. But no, it’s actually quite rare. And now I really, really appreciate that. The next part of your transformation is
rewriting your limiting beliefs. So ask yourself, “What limiting beliefs
might I have from this experience?” You have to start to understand how those stories
you’ve been telling yourself and the mindsets that came out of
that experience and those stories might have been holding you back
in different areas of your life. For example, me feeling like my parents
didn’t care about me, made me have low self worth and low self esteem. I was already a shy person, but the fact that you know, they were
so busy with their own lives, I really felt invisible. And that in turn affected my social life, because I felt like other people didn’t
want to be friends with me. I felt insecure, I felt uncool. And I know a lot of us deal with similar issues like that. So it’s a matter of understanding why you
have certain fears, worries, or anxieties and how those things have been
holding you back in your life. And this is where you can start rewriting
those limiting beliefs, transforming the stories that you’ve held
about yourself for so long, so that you can become a better person, a person that’s not held back by those limiting thoughts. So after all of this inner work, and I know we went through a lot, but you can finally take back control over your life, over your stories that you’ve told yourself, and write a new ending for yourself. This is what Lavendaire is all about: really creating your dream life,
writing the ending to your story. I mean, what’s happened in the past is in the past, and we’ve done what we can to heal
from what we can heal from and then let go of what we can let go of. And all you have left is the present moment. And to be able to ask yourself, “How do I want to live my life
moving forward from here? What good will I take with me and
what bad will I leave behind?” That is how we got to live our lives, you know, step-by-step day at a time taking the good, letting go of the bad, healing from what we can, learning from what we can. Like I said in the beginning, life is not perfect and it’s not meant to be perfect. Nothing is meant to be great all the time. You’re meant to have highs and lows. You’re meant to experience pain and what defines you is what you do with that pain. It’s how you let that pain transform you. Do you let it bring you down or do you let yourself rise up to an even more
epic version of yourself? I don’t know how else to put it, but I hope that I made it very, very clear that we are here to learn and grow. We are here to enjoy this experience of living life and it is very, very possible to heal from
your past wounds and traumas. I hope that this little workshop helps you guys. Let me know your thoughts and comments down below. Let me know if you think I missed anything. I tried to be as comprehensive as I could
without making it way too long. Love you guys so much,
and I will see you in the next one. Bye!

100 thoughts on “How to Heal Your Emotional Trauma & Past Wounds | Healing Workshop 💖

  1. Aileen you have changed my life. Your videos have helped me so much along my healing journey. As always right on time. Thank you !✨🌻❤️

  2. Thank you so much for creating and posting this workshop. It could not have come at a more perfect time for me to watch and learn about healing past wounds. Even though I still have some resistance towards understanding and forgiving that person, I know in my heart that the pain, wounds and tears have made me to become the person I am today. Because of my past wounds, I am able to become someone who loves and cares about others, and always put self growth as a priority in my life. Thank you once again and love you lots.

  3. I feel like universe was listening to me the whole time and made Aileen to make this video just for me 🥺 thanks a lot

  4. Almost at 1 million subscribers! 🌸🌿♥️ So wonderful that the world is truly embracing the importance of self growth and well-being! 😊✨

  5. Thanks Aileen ❤️ I agree with every viewpoint of yours. Love from India 🇮🇳 I would like to add that you are really doing a great job 👍🏼 your videos comforts me in a certain way that I can't explain. Thank you.

  6. I really loved this video, but the only piece I can’t take whole part of is forgiveness. There are some things that people have done that do not make them worthy of forgiveness.

    I can still move on with my life and heal, but I do not have to forgive certain people who caused me harm. That’s what my therapist told me anyways! 😅

    I just think that that’s something that needs to be said for those who have suffered more severe issues in their lives. You do not have to forgive your abusers! And do not make yourself feel guilty if you can’t.

  7. Hi Aileen,
    Thank you for this video! I really needed this ♡ and please mention all the self help book's you showed in this video.

  8. you are sooo inspiring thank you for everything you do! You inspired me to create my own channel. If anyone wants to go support me it would mean the world to me<3 Loved the video!!!

  9. Thank you soooooo much for this video!! I downloaded the workbook and filled it out along the video! I really feel better and somehow lighter now!! I hope to see more videos like this Aileen❤❤❤

  10. I always cry by watching your videos because it hits to my deep heart. The way I can relate to every single words that you've shared since I really need it so muchhhh. I couldn't remember how did I found your channel but I'm so grateful till this moment. I love the way you talk and I can feel the sincerity in every single sentence. I hope that I can live my dream life, let go of my painful memories and create my own beautiful life. Please pray for me. Ily

  11. I never cried after watching any lavendaire videos…this is the most beautiful video i have ever seen….You are making me a better person everytime…healing from a traumatic past wounds is my most evitable mission for me right now….Thank u so much from bottom of my heart❤

  12. Beautiful video!💖
    Does anyone has advice for me for empathizing with someone who committed sexual abuse?
    It’s difficult to put myself in their shoes..☹️

  13. Also, thank you for sharing and I know you’re not looking for sympathy but I just want to say I’m sorry for what you went through in your childhood 💗

  14. thank you so much for being a friend. Your videos are so much encouraging . You look different and fresh. Is there any new thing in your diet or it's just the healing?

  15. The Rumi quote reminds me of this Leonard Cohen lyric: "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

  16. How am I supposed to forgive or emphasized my dad for something he did to get rid of me because he never wanted me ??? 😿😿😿 I can never forget about it, it flashes back into my mind unexpectedly time to time again and it makes me panic and be sad again. It sucks because I can't even tell a psychiatrists about what actually happened or my dad would get in trouble so i have to keep my mouth shut 😿😿😿

  17. Thank you so much for sharing this, I think a lot of us needed this. I took so many notes haha also, thanks for sharing your personal experience as an example. It is really uplifting to see how you can talk about it from a place of love and understanding now.

  18. Aileen, I just want to say I’m glad you found love at your grandma’s house with your cousins and had love all along through the traumas of your parents not communicating well. You are stronger because of it. I hope I can take these lessons and teachings to heal my wounds too. Thank you for sharing this well thought out video.
    Much love and respect.

  19. I can't explain enough to how perfect of a time this came into my life. I've been following your channel & podcast for a while now, I have your artist of life workbook, but this truly hit home and helped the most. It's long overdue for me to heal my pain and past, thank you so so much for this lovely and inspiring video & workshop. May God bless you Aileen 💖💖

  20. Thank u for liking my insta post @underdogmillennials111 if u forgot😂😂 I love u 💓💫
    And when it comes to cousins I can relate 😂
    So helpful video 👌😘

  21. I have experienced so much discrimination in my life that I feel scared to even bring forth those memories without feeling the hurt again. Analyzing things seem far beyond my capacity so far.

  22. I thought this is a good video except that you don't choose being depressed after a trauma or overall… Sometimes you have no choice you just need to survive…. This assumption that people are at fault when they are depressed because they don't make a better choice is unfair and hurtful

  23. This video is pure gold, I love it so much. Thank you for working on your growth and sharing your process with us. You are a sweet soul! 💕

  24. Hi . Thanks for bringing amazing content each week. Sometimes we don’t realise that we are special. But we must know that we r loved. Close to 1 million

  25. While watching this video, I had started crying without any control only to realise how much of what you said strikes a chord with me and I have not addressed it. Thanks for making me feel so loved and worthy and calling out on all the things I do right now which is detrimental to my wellbeing. Thank you, Aileen. Lots of love and gratitude <3

  26. I know someone who's very dear to me and he's so, soooo afraid of being hurt and left alone that he never ever accepts close friendships or relationships. I spoke to him a few days ago and said, I love him and I really hope he'll find a way to love himself one day and to accept the love of others, to find his true love. Because I know that he suffers – and that hurts me. Now I know it's none of my business, I have no controle over it, but the thought of him becoming old and sad and alone makes me so sad, I pray for him every night. I know I can't help him more than I already did but his fate still lingers in my mind…

  27. when i was a child, i was always told not to cry, no matter what happens. And i cried soo much during this video and now i feel bad, tho i know i shouldn't :/

  28. As usual… Instant change of the mood! ❤ The tips seem so very important to erase the scars I've been babysitting throughout my 22 yo life. Thank you thank you thank you bazillions times for the indepth and so wisely put contents that you always present in the best possible way of authenticity! You look really cool in this hair❤

  29. Thank you for this, that's given me food for thought! Great video 👍 BTW… I love your hair 😍 It's always sooo pretty, no matter the cut or color ❤️

  30. I agree with relative pain but I disagree with your point of view that if you went thru a lot, new events "hurt less", so someone who hasn't "went thru" a lot in life will feel destroyed by events that would affect less someone who lived "worse" (if I understood well).
    You could have lived many traumatizing events and a breakup could feel like the last straw.
    I knew a girl who never failed thus failing for the first Time in school was terrifying for her.
    We can't guess how an apparent simple event would feel like for anyone.
    This video is very interesting but if you don't quote more informations, théories, Books you can easily fall into the trap of over simplifying theories like the younger self, etc.
    I will try to apply your tips! Thank you for this video!

  31. Single parents , absent parents , toxic families and the list goes on.

    When I was young , I thought my dad was very close to me , as I grew older I realised things had changed. My mum rasied me up alone.

    It's very painful when others at school / college tell about thier dad , what's they do etc. And you have just keep quiet or make excuses , when you know the truth.
    That did massively effect SELF ESTEEM. I only realised it afterwards.

    BTW your videos are always nice and helpful , long time subscriber here !….

  32. I'm indeed grateful to saw you upload a video like this, cause this past weeks my Life has been so challenging. Thankfully I learned a lot here.

  33. Wow! THANK YOU AILEEN! ❤️❤️
    I think you are so wise for your age, thank you for this amazing series 🌹

  34. I’m not sure how this applies to grief, but I’m having a hard time overcoming the recent loss of my beloved pet. I don’t know how or when I’ll be able to let go of some of the pain I’m feeling. It’s been a difficult week.

  35. I also have been deeply hurt by my father and other family members, and this is something I've been trying to heal from for so many years, but it's still in the works. This beautiful video encouraged me to not push it back whenever it comes out and still try my best to heal from it… Even if it takes me more than I'd like.

  36. I've been battling mental health for a really long time and all these concepts really are helpful! They really do help you heal your emotional wounds.

  37. I didn’t tell a guy I liked him now he has a girlfriend, back then it was so hard for me I felt unworthy that someone would like me so I sabotaged. I want to tell them so bad, to free my mind. I’m not expecting anything from it just to get it off my chest, I don’t see them often or talk to them but it’s a regret please help!!!

  38. I am still struggling with the last few steps like letting go of the limitations I put on myself from my trauma but I think I realized it’s because I never really completely forgave myself. I really blame myself for all the bullying and abuse I experienced and it’s really hard for me to say that it wasn’t my fault. I just hope time will make it easier.

  39. I just went through this healing experience by myself but it is exactly as you describe it. It was painful but so worth it. It feels like th constant buzz inside my head yelling my own defects has quieted completely and I am more motivated to look forward to what my life can become. Thank you for sharing this.

  40. Thank you so much for this. From the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. I'm so grateful for your platform. This…this is the one right here Aileen…this put it all together for me and I literally can't stop crying….Thank you.

  41. I enjoyed this vid. Thank you for nailing it again! This came at the perfect time. I needed to hear this. Sending love your way <3

  42. I’m watching your videos to learn English. But I learned much more than English. Thanks Lavendaire. Love from China ❤️

  43. Thank you for this! 💖 I've heard a great quote about holding onto anger which really relates to what you talked about in regards to forgiveness: "Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
    Not sure of the source, I've heard it attributed to several different people but it's been really helpful to keep in mind during my journey to forgiveness & healing.

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